For a long time now, I’ve wrestled with the issue of being comfortable in my own skin, though this is the first time that I’ve ever tried to articulate the struggle. It’s not that I feel inherently awkward, socially inept or suffer from a poor self image. On the contrary, for perhaps the first time, I genuinely feel happy and confident about where I’ve been and where I’m going. My life is finally taking off after passing some major landmarks: graduating from college, living on my own, and my first job. But having left the safe, warm confines of a world surrounded by people of my own age, I’m realizing that to succeed in life, you need to reach a balance where you’re empowered and comfortable in your own skin.

I’ve been 23 for barely a month and a half, and already I’m realizing that while my 20’s are going to undoubtedly be one of the most exciting times of my life, it’s an unending struggle to find inner balance. I dearly loved my childhood – however tumultuous it was. It seemed this wonderful time in your life full of possibility and innocence. You’re not a threat to anyone, and everyone tells you that you are “the future.” Since graduation, I’ve officially hit this incredibly awkward stage where I’m finding that a lot of older men try to take out their mid-life crisis on you, and older women take out their insecurities on you. What happened to the time when men would feel shame about their perversions, especially when the girl is half their age? I don’t really get it – I’m still younger by nearly two decades. Still someone’s daughter and sister. So what’s changed? Is it because under the law, I can now give consent? And that by nature of having more rights, hence more of them can be infringed? Is it a fixed ratio that we’re allowed and like tax, the more we have the more they’re supposed to be allowed to take?

I know the world is not black and white, and that not every guy I meet is a jerk. A broken clock that is right at least twice a day,  and even a jerk is capable of gentlemanly behavior (and vice versa.) Please don’t misunderstand – this isn’t a man-bashing rant. It’s just a few bad apples spoil the barrel. But why is it that there seems to be so many bad apples? Or am I just sitting under the wrong tree.

As a believer in Christ, much of my identity is rooted in my faith. There is a great comfort in the notion that you are important and loved by an almighty creator, who is omnipotent as well as a lot of other “omni’s.” But it doesn’t mean that I don’t struggle against a lot of aspects of the Bible, especially since I don’t believe you can pick and choose what you like from the scriptures. It’s hard not to see Paul as a misogynist when he writes that women should be silent in churches, or in leadership positions (just spiritual? or secular?) Or feel frustrated that so much of being a woman is a limitation in life. Lower wages, shorter careers, disproportional number of single moms over single dads. There are certain trials unique to women, and perhaps it is my personal bias that I see them as so much more painful and soul-searing than the struggles unique to men. Violent rape, sexual victimization. The flesh trade. Do we ever wonder that prostitution is called the “oldest profession in history” and yet women historically have been barred from so many jobs, or are even allowed to work at all. If indeed, men were historically providers, then why in the world would prostitution be the oldest profession? (assuming as I am of course, that prostitutes were dominantly women in history.)

When thoughts like these cross my mind, as they do often enough – I feel so trapped in the shell of my skin. I wrestle with feeling that my youth and femininity is a liability for my ambitions, how ironic, when the media and culture say I should draw my confidence from these two attributes. I don’t want to be “old” per se, but I crave and admire the confidence and sense of self in older women. I despise vehemently the notion that I am perceived as a threat by virtue of being young and moderately attractive. And somehow, am unnerved by catcalls in a way that is probably unhealthy. So many women shine in the spotlight, and are able to thrive under admiration and dismiss unwanted attention so easily. Why can’t I do that?

It seems ridiculous of me to gripe about the “burden” of being young or being hit on. Especially when there are entire industries and billions of dollars being poured into “fixing” and dare I say, feeding the insecurities of being found wanting in these areas. Whole careers are built upon being young and pretty – those that do, their confidence mystifies me.

I’ve never wanted something as extreme as a sex change, but I do often wonder (with great frustration) why I was born female. I deeply empathize with Elizabeth I – “I may be a woman but if I choose, I have the heart of a man.” Or at least, to modify my case “the brain of a man.”

What I want more than anything else this year, is to come to a point where I’m comfortable in my own skin.  I’m happy with the moderate successes I have (though as always, still striving for more. It’s the very nature of the ambitious not to be easily satisfied.) Now I want to be able to deal with unwanted attention with confidence and dignity, and to write off unreasonable criticism when necessary as the product of another’s insecurities. I want to be able to celebrate the good parts of being a woman rather than seeing my entire gender as a liability, and in doing so, defy the fears and doubts that are keeping me feeling so caged.