vorrei essere

A thought occured to me this morning as I was getting ready for a full day of classes. Somewhere in the last two or three years, people stopped adding the words “when you grow up” when they ask what you want to do with your life. Not that anyone assumes that you’re grown up at all. In fact, it’s a well known fact that your collegiate years are probably going to be your idiot years. It’s not the growing up that scares me so much as what if one day, people stop asking what you want to do with your life altogether.

Whether it’s because I’ve come to terms with the fact that yes, I am female and yes, my long-term career is likely to be very different from what I envisioned it to be at eight years old (I hadn’t factored in children with the high-powered career. Forgot that minor detail.) In fact, the more I think about it, the more I realize how much more interesting it’s likely to be. Because of biological destination, women live out their lives in phases. When we’re young, we excel faster than the boys. And when we’re adults, we struggle against the turning of tables, the fact that it’s still largely a man’s world. Then comes the ticking of the biological clock, the race to fight against nature (I’m not even going to pretend that my generation is immune to this.)

But what is interesting is the few women that I’ve seen that have been able to for lack of better words, have it all. They have the fabulous high powered career, the wonderful family and friends, and have experienced being a stay-at-home mom, part time worker and eventually owning their own practice.

Last week I had a conversation with one of my closest friends and he told me that I was too interesting to be a lawyer. This isn’t something that I haven’t heard before. And sometimes, I wonder if I’m cut out for it at all. But maybe it’s just the means of supporting my photography/travel/extreme sports-lust.

I guess because I’m nearing graduation, and for the first time in my life, actually feel somewhat lost.. I’m thinking about all the things I’ve wanted from life since I was a little girl. Whether others ask of me or not, I don’t think I will ever stop asking the question: What do I want to be when I grow up?

Bring me back to life

I never really liked Evanesence. Actually that’s not true. I would probably love it if they never made it big, and stayed in the indie music scene. I, like everyone else out there would love to pride myself on my eclectic taste in music and ability for finding the diamonds in the rough. But that’s really besides the point of the entry.

What is the point, however, is one of Evanescence’s lyrics and the title of this entry. In the history of all college students, I doubt few have ever felt they were brought back to life by walking out of the Economics Department, as I just did ten minutes ago.

Yesterday the burden on my shoulders, slowly weighing me down to the netherworld was the feeling that I would never amount to very much. I wondered if ambition was like an insatiable flirt. Something that just teases you, drawing you into trouble. I wondered if all my big goals, leadership positions, internships was just a huge facade, a well maintained farce to make people believe in someone that really had very little talent, except for disguises, of course.

The situation before me was this: I had for the first time in my life, failed an exam. The circumstances didn’t matter. There’s always someone with a sadder story or is worse off, and yet they still “make it” and I hadn’t. Somehow, I had dropped the ball, and the consequence was I wouldn’t graduate (or rather, I wouldn’t get the major), I wouldn’t be accepted to law school, and I would probably get a mediocre job for the rest of my life.

Believing in yourself makes those few moments of doubt like a stab to your core. Because you start wondering how big of an idiot you were to do so to begin with. But I resolved to be systematic, think outside of the problem and not panic until I knew all the facts of the case and what my options were.

This morning, I tumbled out of bed, got ready for an interview in record timing, and actually did half decent in it. I probably rambled for a while, but by in large, I get through first rounds pretty well (at least, I haven’t not been called back before..) Then I met my photography class up town to visit the International Center of Photography. There are worse ways to end an interview, I think.  I got home, barely changed out of le suit power before Ali rang, telling me life was over because she hadn’t gotten an internship (yet).

Sometimes I am all patience and understanding. And other times, I’ll just give it to you straight. I can’t tell which one of the two Verities I was today (heh heh.. okay, bad pun.) but in any case, I did wind up (calmly) blowing up about her skewed perspective. All that laid out.. I went to my meeting with the heads of the Economics Department.

I won’t go into the details of the case. There were a lot of ideas thrown around. Some of them not so wonderful (dropping the major, taking classes in the summer..) and then, finally the ideal: I get to audit the class, and whatever grade I get in the course, replaces my grade in the class last year.

This may be a little to over-emotional but the word that kept running through my head was like being in purgatory and then watching the gates of heaven open. Okay. Maybe not. But I realize that I’ve been going about things the wrong way. I’ve been trying to do it all alone. Blindly plunging head first, like brute force and determination will solve all of my problems. Sometimes, it just helps to talk to people. Whether it’s about job advice, problems with classes or personal stuff. Maybe plunging straight for it isn’t the way to go. Becuase if you let the right people know where you’re headed, occasionally someone’s willing to give you a lift or two.

And the course I’m taking? Fits perfectly in with my schedule. The professor whose class I initially took (and was a horrible teacher) abruptly quit right after teaching that class. I can’t decide if this is irony or a Divine Comedy.