knowledge is power

I don’t know if I’ve mentioned this before, but lately I’ve been having landlord problems. Here are the facts:

• My 3 roommates signed a one-year lease while I was in Jetsonville. Subsequently, I didn’t sign it (thus begs the question – is it complete or legal? Evidently, it is)
• Our landlord disappeared for 3 months, and has not collected rent since the “signing” of the lease
• Speaking of which, my roommates don’t have a copy of the lease. Nor is it notarized. Both violate New York state law.
• A month ago, the bank came by and delivered foreclosure papers. She owes nearly half a million.
• Two nights ago, our landlord reappeared out of no where with a handyman and asked if we had any money for her. In short, we informed her that we were aware of the legal situation and we weren’t giving her any money. I asked for the contract, she said she’d mail it.
• Yesterday she came by and dropped off a bunch of documents – all poorly writen, and signed with a rubber stamp. In short she simultaneously demanded rent, and gave a one-month notice of termination of month-to-month rental (which is ubsurd, considering that there *is* a lease)
• We spoke with the lawyer today.

This entire situation just reveals how powerful knowledge is. Understanding your legal rights, what someone does and doesn’t have the right to do to you. My roommates are genuinely kind people (perhaps a little on the complacent side.) In spite of all the issues that have happened, they’re still willing to pay the additional rent. Is it because that they were too trusting or too kind that got us into this mess in the first place? No blame upon anyone – naturally. This kind of thing comes with experience – and none of us have our parents here to look for guidance. Maybe things would have been different if I’d been here – maybe not. It’s really besides the point.

Thankfully our lawyers were great. They explained the situation – and (lucky for me) I really hit it off with the attorney. I mentioned my interest in law, and she invited us to her daughter’s concert.. and it turns out that she goes to my best friend’s university. Coincidences, coincidences. It’s amazing what a difference networking makes, how instantaneously people are kinder, more personal and willing to help. I think I just landed myself with a foot in the door to the legal field – which I am desperate to break into.

All in a day’s work..

vascillating and dating

There are two types of entries. The kind in which you reiterate your day, talk about what’s been going on in your life – whether for yourself or for readers, and the other which is introspective, and reflective. Expounding not on events but on thought.

I tend to vacillate between the two. Sometimes I feel the need to write what my experiences are so I’ll have a momento of the past, and others when I have a dark or terrible thought that needs to be exorcised onto the simplicty of words on a screen.

Staring at the WordPress box, I can’t decide where to begin. To write of the troubles I’ve been having with landlord? Or talk about a relationship that should have ended before it began? Should I write about the off-Broadway plays, the restaurants and conversations I’ve had with friends? Or the two deeply rooted issues in my consciousness – always there and never resolved? The mentor who wanted to be something more, and the mother who can’t stand the burdens and responsibility of motherhood.

Sometimes its difficult to distinguish life from story. Reading over past entries makes my thoughts seem like a linear narative. There is a beginning, climax and ending. There are complete thoughts and definitive turning-points. It all seems so simple.

In life, I have stood on a threshold of a turning point, staring it square in the eye and thinking, “here it is, the definitive moment.” There were the two of us, the door closing, and hands on my arms. Friends who know me expect absolutes from me. A mind that is always clear, free of doubt and with direction. Maybe I even expect it of myself. But time and again, after that critical moment, I’ve wondered what is the difference between should have and could have. In the grey landscape of regret, perhaps we tell ourselves “should have” to grasp a sense of control. To compel action where we were inactive, or static. To relive critical moments, where we change gestures, signals, or the things we say.

In business, I am sharp, quick and resolute. When it comes to my personal life, I fear that I am hopelessly lost. I don’t know what I want, and find myself instead of allowing myself to be hurt, or angry, or God forbid – a victim, I think I can alter the past by changing the implications of the present. Downgrading the importance of a betrayal, of insistance to make a relationship something that it’s not. And why? A sense of morality? The fear of finding out that I’m just like every other girl, with ordinary needs?

With RG – that has been analyzed and reanalyzed countless times. But Ace.. ah, there is fresh material. Pleanty to analyze. If I am brutally honest, he is nothing like Veer. I know I shouldn’t compare relationships, and I know that my already then high standards have been pushed to a point where it is almost impossible to meet. There is pleanty to romanticise over distance, or difference in culture/race and social status. But the fact of the matter is Ace is not my intellectual equal, is not as ambitious nor does he capture my heart or respect. There are many things that I respect about him as a friend and as a man. The enormity of the challenges that he has faced, and the limits in opportunity that he’s overcome. I will always treasure him as a dear friend, but when waves of doubt wash over me as they are doing now, I find it difficult to come up with reasons why I am “with” him.

There is – a sore lacking in the hunt and chase. Not that I feel the need to lead any man on, or make him jump through flaming hoops – I do feel cheapened. Like I know I deserve better, and have gotten better, and that the relationship that ensues is a waste of my time. And for now, the only thing that I have attained is complacence.

But is that so bad? Is a temporary happiness, when you’re conscious that its temporary – such a bad thing? Perhaps I have unrealistic standards. I can’t expect every romantic relationship that I enter to be as passionate, as fiery and fulfilling as with Veer. I’ve often thought that relationships are a series of marginal decisions. To be crudely put, you start a relationship when the gains outweigh the risks, and end it when there is more gain to being single than to remain in it. Not every climax necessarily results in a “and they lived happily ever after..” or an engagement ring. And maybe there are some experiences crucial in life – dating and breaking up. Dating someone when you know its just dating (i.e. in high school). Maybe it’s not such a good thing to take everything at absolutes. That you really should only date people you’d consider marrying.

I think my warped view of dating can really be traced to my mother’s absolute way of looking at the world. And for that, I am glad that she’s no longer a huge presence or influence in my life. I would not dare to venture out and spend time romantically with men if I was forever fearing her judgment and worried about being called a hussy. I need some reassurance that it’s okay not to know *exactly* what you want, and perfectly alright to date (aka “research”) to find out what you want. I need to know that it’s okay to make mistakes.

Somehow it seems like the season for dating is just one giant long list of mistakes. Maybe I should just stop thinking that way. Teach myself not to beat myself over the head every time I face a disappointment, or miscalculation. I need to learn when and how to walk away. That not every romantic encounter needs to turn into deep and fulfilling relationship. I need to reconcile my beliefs with the modern world to find an equlibrium that works for the both of us. That I don’t need to be quite so puritanical and black and white to be happy and live with a clean conscience. And I also don’t need to have sex in order to be happy within a relationship.

What they never told us in Sunday School was how confusing it is to choose to abstain from sex. And perhaps how different it is for a man and a woman to choose to abstain. We both face the same urges and needs, but I never realized how great of a responsibility it would be as a woman. When men who find you attractive, expect you to understand the breadth of your influence. How innocense becomes a target, a prey or a turn-on, and trust and love never account for the fact that ultimately, we all have our own agendas. What scares me is that my innocense is mine alone to protect, and when faced with the choice, is also my liability. I look at girls with experience and envy their wisdom. Their ability to sense men’s thoughts, and how to control a situation. But I also know that since Eden, wisdom always comes at a price. And this wisdom is too high for me to pay.

minutiae

I get the feeling that once I graduate, and enter a world without defined rules and measures of success, I’m going to feel hopelessly lost. What to do with yourself when there are no standards, no meter-stick to stand up against after six months to tell you whether you’ve been sucessful, hard-working and in short, a “good girl.”

I guess I’m always looking for that pat on the head, that “good girl” statement to let me know that I’ve made good use of my time and resources. Living in New York, it’s easy to feel like you’re missing out on.. everything. There’s just too much to do, not enough time to do it and never enough hours in a day.

The past two weeks I’ve been not-working, and not in class. It’s been oddly.. refreshing. But I also realize that I need a measure of discipline and routine in my life. Lately I’ve taken to swimming. The goal is to double my time to 100 lengths in an hour. I’m up to 74. It’s been a week.

But I am feeling rested. Getting some professional help with looking for an apartment, and I’m actually quite hopeful and relaxed. Spending some time with friends, exploring the village and discovering coffee shops. I guess I really could use some time off like this.

Plans for the coming semester – I’m not sure if I’m overloading myself.. plans for another internship, applying for jobs, still working part-time.. all of that is in the air. But let’s see. here’s praying for a fruitful senior year.

workaholic

It’s been five years since I’ve given myself summer vacation. I’m not even all that old. Twenty-one. Twenty-two in a few weeks, actually. I’ve been not-working for… 6 days, and I think I’m going insane.

What do normal people do with free time, anyway? I’m in a good place right now. Really. The finances are looking.. alright, to be honest. I even over-spent a little, and the account still held itself. (Granted that’s not a habit I want to start developing.) I’ve been working out, trying to eat right, getting out to see friends.. but this whole not-working, is a little frightening.

I want to take on an internship at a hedge fund, a law firm or maybe an investment bank this fall, but it will most likely be unpaid, and part of me freaks out a little at the thought of that. I could keep my regular job(s) but that means I’m working 3 different jobs, taking full time classes, and being involved in two clubs. I still want to work out, take new classes. I’m not sure if this is a compulsion to fill my life with so full of stuff. Not “stuff” as in the material sense, but to fill up my time. Like I need the external validation that I am contributing to society, or doing something meaningful. It never really occured to me, but what if I were to ask myself, “would anyone still love me if I never got another A in my life?” Of course they would. It’s a silly notion. But the fact that I wondered in the first place – scares me.

I know I need to change my perspective. Work can only consume so much of your time, and yeild only so much happiness. So why is it that I feel like i’m only ever going to be happy when I’m working my tail off? Why do I feel so compulsively guilty for having free time?

And what’s more, what am I going to do with all of it?