A heat wave has hit New York. It’s actually hotter here than on my little island in the South China sea – but there the humidity is twice as bad – I’ll take this dry heat any day.

What we don’t have however – is air conditioning. Everything is hot to the touch – the walls, sheets, even the tiles in the bathroom. Our brownstone seems to trap heat (I’ve heard it’s supposed to do the opposite but I’ve yet to see that happen) I feel like a little ball of dough, slowly turning golden brown inside an oven.

Things haven’t been going too well lately. It’s not that more drama has piled on – it’s just my capacity for handling it seems to either have reached full capacity, or has been diminished. Thus I found myself on the A train, staring blankly ahead, and tears streaming down my face – with no apparant catalyst.  I’m pretty calm. Those next to me were none the wiser – except a few people who sat across from me, and tried not to notice, or stared when they thought I didn’t notice. After all, how bad are the problems of upper-middle class privellaged enough to study abroad? I think that’s why I like spending time in third-world countries so much. It gives me perspective on what real problems are – and proportionally, mine don’t seem so huge and unmanagable anymore.

Right before the semester ended, I had a panic attack. I felt completely paralyzed, and overwhelmed by the issues I had to manage. Finances, supporting my mother, the imminent return, new job, juggling responsibilities in New York, sibling’s welfare, moving. Last night I felt the same wave of nausea and paralysis all over again. I haven’t been managing my summer classes very well. I’m naturally a night owl, which doesn’t bode well for the commute I need to make in order to get to class on time. I actually feel like I’m in denial about the mount of work that I have, and wind up putting it off. There are legal issues in Jetsonville that are just a little beyond me right now, but nonetheless, need to be managed. But it’s not the responsibilities that are paralyzing me – it’s myself. I am my harshest critic, unforgiving of mistakes – no matter how much I learn or grow from them.  And even though I know that there are a lot of circumstances that I’m placed in that are beyond my control, I still feel that I’m the one who made the fatal and deciding mistake that caused the final outcome. I have difficulty forgiving myself, and for recognizing that some things are beyond my control.

I walked into an exam today having barely studied, and also having only 3 hours of sleep. I found myself at 3AM, texting Ace telling him I was having a panic attack. He called right away, prayed with me – and miraculously enough – I fell asleep almost immediately. I walked out of my exam this morning, zombie-like, called into work and said I wasn’t feeling well and took the day off. Maybe it’s the heat, or I just need some time to clear my head. In any case, heat wave or not, I needed the rest.